Communicating With Difficult People, Pt 1

Communicating with Difficult People - "How To" Part 1

One of the most basic aspects of being human is that we generally have a strong desire to connect with others. As a species we depend greatly on the support of each other- we seek closeness and connection and often feel the need to be heard, seen and recognized by those around us. We enjoy when other's acknowledge, validate and listen to us. We find pleasure in knowing we are cared for and in doing the same for others. As humans we are dependent on each other for our primary physical and emotional needs.

So then, if we were designed (by God or nature) to be social, why is it so hard to communicate each other. Why do so many of us feel anxious, frustrated, angry, hurt, controlled or neglected by others in our lives. There are many reasons for this, a lot having to do with our childhood experiences, or ideas and fears that we have about ourselves and others that may haunt us. Many of us grew up imitating the same communication style of others around us, or in same cases, doing the exact opposite. As we mature and grow our communication style develops and changes, but overall our communication with others can be place into three general categories.

Three general categories of communication

1. Aggressive Communication- people with this style feel angry, impatient, frustrated or hostile. They are confrontational and operate from a win/lose position, always blame or put things in the form of "you should..". They are often thought of as bullies, know-it-all's, pushy or critical. They are thought of us domineering, patronizing, condescending or sarcastic.
2. Passive Communication-are often people who feel apologetic, self-conscious, fearful, unworthy. They are indirect, cautious, allow others' to make decisions, avoid conflict and are usually self-effacing. They often come from a place of feeling 'less than' or 'bad'. They dont want to disagree and they are primarily concerned about being liked by others'.
3. Assertive Communication- you stand up for yourself, what you feel and what you think, while also being respectful of others. You believe you and others are valuable. You are good listener while also being able to express yourself directly, honestly. Assertiveness is based on mutual respect- you expresses yourself, while also being aware of the rights of others.

We all fit into a spectrum of these three communication styles, and often dont rely on just one. For example, sometimes we may find ourselves being more passive than assertive, or more aggressive at other times. Which style do you gravite towards generally?

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