When the person you love doesn't want to be with you

You may love someone deeply who does not want to be with you. It is one of life’s more painful experiences and most who go through it naturally want to change the other person’s mind. Unfortunately, the chance of accomplishing this is so slim it is invisible. If you are right and this person really loves you, they will find their way back to you, but don’t hold your breath.

Straight Talk About Weathering the Storm

  • No matter how much it hurts, let the other person go. If someone does not want to be with you it will hurt your feelings and provoke anger. There is no way to avoid these emotions if you want to move on with your life, and you do, even if you don’t realize it yet. Allow yourself to grieve but not to isolate. Talk to people you trust and if you are feeling overwhelmed consider getting professional help.
  • If you like to write, journal your feelings, compose a poem, or a song. Keep yourself busy and stay in contact with friends. Go for walks or go to the gym, and treat yourself to some favorite activities. It is possible to do all these things, even when it feels like there’s a knife through your heart, but you will need more rest than usual.
  • If the love you feel was previously returned, it could be he or she is not rejecting you, but is fearful of intimacy. It’s also possible this person had some personal issues surface while in relationship with you, and it’s easier to push you away than to face those problems.

    However, even if this person is avoiding his or her fears, it is unlikely they will be gracious if you point it out to them. It may make the tension between the two of you worse.

  • To face the music, you must consider that you made being with yourself difficult for the other person in one or more ways. If you have problems with communicating feelings, dependency, control, manipulation, or extreme self-centeredness, you might want to work with a professional and learn better relationship skills. It may not get the person who left back, but it could keep the next one from leaving.
  • If there is any hope of your love coming back to you, it will happen while you are creating a new life for yourself, and having fun. Moving on does not mean the other person will return to you, but if the love is there they will have some reaction to your success.

    Even so, for good mental and emotional health, your motivation for moving forward must be to take care of yourself. Doing it for someone else is setting yourself up for more disappointment. When we love someone, hope springs eternal. That has both a light and a shadow side. Sometimes our springing hope holds us back and blinds us to reality.

  • You are lovable, but there is no law in the universe that says the love you give must be returned. It just doesn’t work that way in relationships. If you give and give and give of yourself in hopes of being rewarded with the same, you will end up hurt and disappointed. Love isn’t something you earn. Not everyone will like or love you anyway, and they are under no obligation to.
  • If you are struggling with letting someone go and it is preventing you from functioning at school, work, or at home, get some help. You don’t have to weather this storm alone.

Further Reading


Are you currently seeing a therapist?: