Communicating with Difficult People- "How To Part II"

Hello, I wanted to follow up on my previous post in regards to communicating with difficult people. To say this is not easy to do is an understatement. If you have not looked at Part I on this topic I would invite you to do so now, as its lists the three modes that communication generally falls under. Assertive communication not only has the most advantages but is also the healthiest form, as it maximizes self esteem, protects us from being taken advantage of by others, helps us achieve our goals and conveys mutual respect.
When you are communicate assertively its important to use eye contact and have a good boundary with the other person (i.e dont try to intimidate them with your body language, find a comfortable distance and/or closeness). Assertiveness should not be confused with aggression, as it is a way to maximize feelings of respect and equality between those communicating.
One of the most popular techniques is using "I" statements.
Communicating how we feel and what we are thinking to someone can be hard when we are angry, hurt or upset. If you use a more passive form of communication you may simply not speak up at all or excuse the person's actions for them. If you were communicating more aggressively you may 'go on the attack', accusing someone and launching into statements and judgements. Your words often trigger the other person to become highly defensive and an argument may ensue- often your initial point is lost or your words hurt the other person.
"I" statements acknowledge how you feel and what you are thinking- you stick to the factual description of what someone has done that you do not like, rather than use a label or judgement. Starting a sentence with the word "you" often comes off immediately as a judgement.
"You need to stop that"
"I'd like it if you stopped that"

*Beginning a sentence with "I" focuses on how you feel and what your thoughts are.
For example:
"When I'm"
"I think that I"
"I feel"
"I think that I"
"My concern is"

* You can expand on this by going to the next step, which is to refer to the behavior, not the person. What are they doing that is upsetting or triggering for you.
"When I am shouted out at..
"As soon as I feel belittled I.."
"When the toys are left on the floor I.."
"When I am not being heard I.."

*Now think about how the behavior affects you are makes you feel and whats its like for you to be around.
"When I am shouted at I feel scared and want to leave"
"I get really anxious when I am not given the appropriate instructions"
"When I think I am not being heard it want to shut down"
"When the toys are left on the floor I (mommy) gets really frustrated".
"I feel uncomfortable when you are late because I get anxious about being on time".

*Last step would be to think about what you need to happen in the future.
"I need you to"
"I would like you to"
"What I would like to see happen in the future is"
"If would be nice if"

I hope this gives you some insight into assertive communication. There are a few more techniques that I would like to teach you, but this is quite a lot to review for now. If you have any questions please feel free to post!

Warmly,
Kellie Montgomery< LMFT

*References include: Compassion Coach, Copyright © 2003-2007