Breaking Up Feels Like Spit!

Hello again. I'm Denee, a therapist on this sight. Broken or difficult relationships can feel like torture. It has really helped me professionally and personally to understand why it hurts so bad to get divorced or to break up with someone we love(d). First of all, humans are 'pack animals'. We seek out other humans for direction, validation, and companionship because we are not 'built' to survive as lone creatures (being single is not necessarily being 'alone'). We derive much of our sense of ourselves from our relationships and our environment. In fact our brain actually becomes wired (and dependent) on key relationships and environmental factors as a matter of survival. This is the reason that we often re-create adult relationships similar to those we had as children. "What fires together, wires together". For example, if you were simultaneously abused and loved by the same parent, you might subconsciously associate abuse and love and actually seek this out in a relationship. Understanding that relationships are connected to survival in our brains helps to clarify why breaking up can feel like 'dying'. When we break up, we are neurologically responding to something we sub-consciously perceive as life-threatening. All of our survival instincts are triggered and we feel about as bad as we possibly can. There is good news! Your survival is not in danger and you can take charge of your recovery. Here are some suggestions:

1.) Accept that you feel terrible. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Fighting it makes it worse.

2.) Know that every minute that passes, your brain is 're-wiring', however painfully, to adapt to your new situation. You are 'healing' every second.

3.) Though it can be very difficult, normalize your life as much as possible. Resume your schedule, make plans with friends even though you feel awful.

4.) Ask for support. Therapy, support groups, a spiritual group or a trusted friend. Get on a 'path' to recovery that involves other people

5.) Remember that life is for learning and loving. However challenging, we will always be given an opportunity to do both.

At a certain point in time it will be important to explore the relationship, your choices, and the outcome. The relationship might as well be valuable to you as a vehicle for growth and change!!